Titanic

Starring the cast and crew of Weiss Kreuz!Cast

Jack………………………………………. Ken Hidaka

Rose……………………………………… Omi Tsukiyono

Guards on lookout duty (sometimes)……. Youji Kudou and Aya Fujimiya

Rose’s Fiance (aka: that guy)……………. Brad Crawford

The Captain……………………………… Farfarello

The Guy who heckles the Captain………. Schuldig

Crew

Director…………………………………. Manx

Special Effects……………….…………. Nagi

Costumes…………………….…………. Schoen

Props…………………………………… Hell

Music……………………………….….. Neu

Just There Because………….…………. Tot

“All right! Places people! Show’s about to start!” Manx settled into her director’s chair with a sigh, reaching for the ice-cold glass of lemonade being held on a tray by a tall, sexy man dressed only in a speedo. “It’s so hard being a director…”

“Man, I look pretty fine.” Youji turned around in his guard uniform, smirking. “This is going to bring the ladies in swarms.” He rubbed his hands together gleefully. “And Aya will finally be mine!” He suddenly noticed some of the others staring at him. “Uh… I mean… I am so straight! Girls are hot!”

Everyone rolled their eyes and hid knowing smirks.

“No swords,” Manx was telling the very obviously unarmed Aya. “I mean that. NO SWORDS! Got that?”

Aya said nothing.

“I’ll take that as agreement.”

Aya turned away, smirking slightly.

“This is unfair!” Omi marched up to Manx, face beet-red with either anger or embarrassment. “Why am I always the one in a dress?”

Everyone stopped to look. Omi was wearing a huge lacy pink and white ballroom dress with matching gloves and very high heels.

“Because you’re the most feminine,” Youji supplied.

“You don’t want to piss me off while I’m wearing these weapons,” Omi warned, showing off his shoes and a large portion of leg. Several camera people stared. “Nagi and Farfarello are both just as feminine as I am – why are they not in dresses?”

“Put me opposite Farfarello and I’m quitting,” Ken warned.

“There, you see?” Manx shrugged. “That’s why. Now get in place. Neu, we need the music for the ship’s departure!”

The shark theme from Jaws started up.

Manx slapped a hand to her face. “Why did I hire her?”

“We have no money,” Ken pointed out. “Everyone here is a volunteer.”

Behind him, the cardboard cut-out of the ship fell over.

“See?”

“Why am I here?” Manx groaned.

Aya chose that moment to hold up ‘the pictures’, and Manx eeped.

“Oh yeah.”

~~~~~~

“Yay! I’m going to New York!” Ken knocked over an old lady in his haste. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! Here, let me help you up.”

“Cut!” Manx yelled. “Ken! You’re supposed to get on that ship!”

“But she looks hurt…”

“She’s a prop,” the director reminded him, through gritted teeth. “Remember?”

“Oh yeah…” Ken pushed aside the cardboard figure. “AGH!” He backed off. “Why does she have a plastic knife stuck in her back?!”

“Oh god!” Manx glared over her shoulder at Hell. “Just get on the damn ship!”

“Too late!” Youji waved cheerfully from the rowboat that had been disguised to look like a ship. “Bye Ken! We’ll send you a postcard!”

“No! Waaaaaaaaait!” Ken dived into the water and swam after the retreating boat.

“MY COSTUME!” Schoen shrieked. “YOU BASTARD!” She started throwing Hell’s various assorted props – most of which were dangerous and scary-looking – into the water after him. “DIE!!!!!!”

Manx buried her face in her hands. “This is going to be a long day.”

~~~~~~

“The iceburg will die!!!!!” Farfarello cackled from the captain’s seat in the newly rented ship. “God loves iceburgs!”

Schuldig smirked. “You know what else god loves? Dolphins.”

“AGH!” Farfarello swung the ship almost in a circle. “DIE, CREATURES OF GOD!!!!!!!” He started to chase down the jumping fish, swerving the ship around in circles until everyone was too dizzy to see straight.

Manx groaned. “As if that piece of junk wasn’t rickety enough already… Neu! Get me the romance music! We’ll skip to the railing scene.”

Darth Vader’s theme began to play.

“Why me?” the frazzled director wailed.

“Why do I have to marry an evil bastard who doesn’t love me?” Omi wailed over-dramatically, leaning over the rail. “Why, cruel world, why?“

“Cut!” Manx glared at him. “That is not in the script!”

Omi shrugged. “But my character demands high drama.”

“Fine. We’ll keep it.” She waved a hand. “Cut to Ken.”

Ken was currently trying to handle Youji’s lighter. “Work, damn you, work! Oh, the hell with it!” He threw the lighter away and it hit one of the camera people on the head. Then he approached Omi. “What are you… hey! Are you sick? What happened?”

“Cut!” Manx yelled again. “What are you doing?”

“Well, he’s leaning over the railing like he’s going to throw up! I thought he might’ve had food poisoning or something!”

“I’m trying to figure out how to throw this dress over the side without taking me along with it,” Omi muttered.

Manx rubbed her forehead. She felt a headache coming on. “All right, all right… go on.”

“Stop.” Crawford then stepped into the picture dressed in a very sexy black suit. “I’m afraid you’ll have to take your hands off of my fiance,” he announced, pushing up his glasses.

Half of the supporting cast swooned.

Schoen smirked. “I am so good at this!”

Ken looked a bit confused. “I didn’t even touch her – him – the fiance. I was just… oh, wait a second.” He pulled out his script and started flipping through it. “What’s my line?”

Manx sank into her chair and tried to pretend she was somewhere else.

~~~~~~

“Iceburg ahead!” Youji sounded off the alarm.

“AHAHAHA!!!! ICEBURGS MUST DIE!!!!!”

“Not yet! We need to keep killing dolphins! See? Nice dolphins. God loves dolphins.”

“DIE DOLPHINS DIE!!!!!!”

The ship swerved wildly.

“Hmm… okay.” Youji shrugged.

“It’s my turn as the guard,” Aya said, climbing the ladder.

“Ooh… well, what do you know? It’s my turn too.” Youji smirked.

Aya glared.

“Aw, c’mon, it’ll be fun…”

More glaring.

“Don’t be that way…”

Still more glaring.

“Oh, all right. Later then.” Youji winked and left the lookout point.

Aya sat down and started polishing his sword.

“Cut!” Manx scowled. “Where did that sword come from?”

Everyone else looked at each other and shrugged.

“Get rid of it!”

By the time anyone looked back up to Aya, the sword had disappeared.

“Damn it, I didn’t sign up for this,” Manx grumbled, settling back down. “Let’s do the lover’s spat scene with Omi and Crawford.”

“Lovers?” Omi and Ken protested at the same time.

“It’s a movie. Not real.” Manx sighed. “Get on with it!”

“I’m not doing anything wrong,” Omi said, sipping his coffee. He made a face. “Ugh! How can you people drink this crap? It tastes like mud!”

Hell cackled gleefully from backstage.

Omi put down his cup, wishing he had a barf-bag. “I don’t want to know…”

“You have been seeing another man.” Crawford glanced at Omi calmly. “For that… you must die.” He pulled out a gun and aimed it at Omi’s forehead.

“WHAT?” Omi flipped through his script desperately. “This wasn’t in there before… Hey, wait! This wasn’t in my contract!”

“You bastard!” Ken jumped on Crawford.

“The boss is in trouble!” Schuldig looked up from the course of the ship. “Keep killing dolphins – I’ll be back!” He ran toward the two brawling actors.

“MWAHAHA! DOLPHINS MUST DIE!”

“Leave Ken alone!” Omi dived into the fight.

“Ooh, a fight!” Youji pointed out, stopping his useless efforts to grope Aya’s thigh. “Look at that.”

“Fight?” Aya’s eyes came alight. Abruptly, he got up from his position and jumped down from the lookout point down to where breakfast had been set up. “DIE!!!!!!” he screamed, holding his sword high.

“WHERE THE HELL DOES THAT SWORD KEEP COMING FROM?”

The theme music from Mortal Combat suddenly started playing in the background.

Manx buried her face in her hands. “Why me? Why me?“

~~~~~~

Omi and Ken sat in the bedroom.

“So.” Omi held out a hand. “Can I see your sketches?”

“Sure.” Ken handed him the sketch book that Hell had provided him with.

“Wow, these are…” Omi suddenly trailed off, eyes very wide. “These are…” Abruptly, he toppled over in a dead faint, still twitching convulsively.

“What the…?” Ken picked up the book curiously. “OH MY GOD!” He collapsed beside Omi, face down.

“Let me see that!” Manx marched over and picked up the book. Her face went purple. “HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“A little kinkier than just the naked women, isn’t it?” Hell smirked. “I thought they’d appreciate it.”

“Get me a normal book!” Manx demanded. She held the book out to Nagi, barely touching it with her finger and thumb. “Burn this, and let the ashes touch no one. Somebody revive the stars!”

“I will!” Tot announced brightly, picking up her frilly yellow umbrella.

“I’m fine!” Omi and Ken said suddenly, at the same time, sitting up.

“Good! Get to work! Omi, take off those clothes!”

“MANX!” Omi gasped loudly in shock.

“Take them off, damnit! I want to go home sometime before tomorrow!”

Blushing furiously, Omi pushed the robe off of his shoulders, leaving only the huge, blue, cheap, glass throwing dagger that Hell had provided for him to wear around his neck.

Everyone stared.

“Go Omi!” Youji wolf-whistled.

“Shut up!” Omi curled up on the couch trying to keep as much hidden as he could.

“Get to the scene!” Manx ordered.

“Well,” Omi said, in as sultry a tone as he could manage and trying to ignore his blushes and Youji’s wolf-whistling. “Are you going to draw me now?”

Silence.

“KEN!” Manx screamed. “You’re supposed to answer him!”

Ken was still staring at Omi with wide eyes. “Yes… Yes, I will drool – draw… naked… Omi…” His fingers twitched.

Omi looked up, more interested than before. “Ken?”

“I think I need more to go by before I start drawing.” Ken advanced on his teammate. “Touch is more important than sight. I need lots of touching to draw you.”

“Wait… this isn’t in the script!” Omi glanced nervously back and forth between Ken and where he’d left his copy of the script by the dresser. “Uh… Manx?”

The director had passed out.

“Errrr… cut? Eep!” Omi was cut off as Ken jumped on him.

~~~~~

“Ohhh… my head…” Manx groaned, stirring awake. The scene in front of her was in disarray. “What the hell happened?” She looked around for her stars. Omi was staring at the ceiling with a dazed look on his face, and Ken was beside him, looking rumpled and satisfied.

“So… I’m guessing the car scene can be skipped?”

“Hell no!” Both Omi and Ken looked horrified at the suggestion.

“Too bad! Where are the lookouts? We’re going to crash into the iceburg now.”

Youji and Aya appeared from behind the cardboard wall. Youji had a black eye, and Aya’s expression was that of someone about to commit a very nasty crime.

“What happened to you?” Ken asked the blonde curiously.

“I walked into a door,” Youji muttered, sullen.

Aya glared at him.

Ken blinked. “That was awfully clumsy of you.”

“Uh huh.” Omi rolled his eyes toward the ceiling. “I’m not sure it’s a good idea to call Aya’s fist a door, Youji. He might take it personally.”

“WHAT?”

Ken interrupted quickly. “Don’t we need some stormy weather?”

“Yes, we do,” Manx agreed. “Nagi!”

They waited for a second. Nothing.

“NAGI!”

A huge disco ball lowered, and the lights went out.

Neu seemed to take that as her cue to blast ‘Stayin’ Alive’ out over the loudspeakers.

“GOD DAMNIT!”

Manx stormed up toward the special effects box. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” she roared, pounding on the door.

“Nothing! Go away.”

Manx’s face was rapidly approaching that purple shade again. “OPEN THIS DOOR!”

“Okay!” Tot burst open the door, beaming cheerfully. “We were playing ‘find the penny’!” she announced brightly.

Manx clenched and unclenched her fists, mouth working furiously.

“Where’s the penny now?” Ken asked curiously.

Tot reached down the front of her dress. “Hmm…”

“Agh! Okay! We don’t need to know!”

Nagi looked beyond grouchy when he looked out. “What do you want?”

“Some bad weather would be nice,” Omi said politely, before Manx could speak up.

“Fine.” Nagi waved a hand, and the cardboard lightening and cloud cut-outs moved into their places. He stepped back into his box.

Manx flopped back into her chair. “Is that the best we can do?”

The others looked at each other and shrugged. “Guess so,” Youji said.

“Fine! But somebody please stop that disco music!”

~~~~~~

“We’re going to crash!”

“Oh my god! This is the end!”

“WAHAHAHA!!!!!!! DIE ICEBURG!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Crawford was chasing after Ken and Omi with a gun. “Now you must die!”

“Um… it’s just a movie.” Ken looked over his shoulder nervously. “You’re not really supposed to kill us, remember?”

“You must die!” Crawford repeated, firing at them.

“AGH!” Omi ducked. “Who the hell actually gave him a real gun?”

Backstage, Hell was laughing evilly.

“So you forgive me, right?” Youji pleaded. “Awwwww… come on Aya…”

The redhead noticed Crawford. “AHA!” he yelled, jumping away from Youji. “Another fight! DIE!!!!!!!!!” He raised his sword high and leaped down to attack the bespectacled man.

“I guess that means yes.” Youji jumped down to join the fight.

“Well, looks like the iceburg is toast.” Schuldig glanced over his shoulder. “Hey, look, the guys who love god are attacking Crawford!”

Farfarello abandoned the ship and shrieked in glee as he ran to attack Youji and Aya.

The ship veered off course almost immediately and ran onto a beach inside of crashing into the plastic iceburg.

‘Surfing USA’ began to play over the speakers.

“ARGH!” Manx threw down her director’s hat. “I’ve HAD it with this movie! I QUIT!” She stormed off the set.

Youji, Aya, Crawford, Schuldig, and Farfarello stopped fighting. Ken and Omi stopped playing strip poker. Hell stopped cackling. Neu stopped the music. Schoen stopped re-modeling everyone’s clothing into mangled works of horror. Nagi and Tot decided not to stop making out, but did stop the storm effects.

“So now who’s going to be the director?” Omi asked curiously.

“Hello everyone!”

Everybody turned and looked at the doorway.

Standing there with the director’s hat on was Sakura Tomoe.

“Time for the NEW version of this movie!” A pause. “The Search for… MY KIDNEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Everyone groaned.

The End