Starring the cast and crew of Weiss Kreuz!
Danny……………………………………. Youji Kudou
Sandy…………………………………….. Omi Tsukiyono
Random friend of Sandy's……………….. Ken Hidaka
Kenicky………………………………….. Aya Fujimiya
The dude they race with…………………. Brad Crawford
Random extras…………………………… Schuldig
Special Effects……………….…………. Nagi
"Places, people, places!" Birman looked around in satisfaction. The set was all done - everything was in place. Her crew was newly arranged. Things were going according to plan. "Why did Manx seem so desperate to push this job off on me? It doesn't seem so bad…"
"THIS ISN'T FAIR, GOD DAMNIT!"
Everyone looked up.
Omi stormed out of the dressing room, once again garbed in women's clothing. This time, the outfit consisted of a fifties-style long skirt and a pink blouse. It didn't go well with the scarlet shade on his face. "WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ONE PLAYING THE GIRL?"
Birman blinked. "You mean you didn't volunteer to play the female lead?"
"NO!" Omi gestured angrily at the members of Schrient. "We have actual girls here! Why aren't they playing the female roles?"
"Because you're prettier than they are," Youji supplied.
Birman sighed. "Look," she said, trying to smooth things over. "It's not so bad. That skirt has to be more comfortable than the leather pants, right?" She glanced meaningfully at Youji's outfit. "Besides, Ken's playing a girl, too - look."
Omi looked. Ken was leaning against the wall looking bored - also in a skirt and with a yellow blouse. He didn't appear to notice or care what he was wearing.
"Why isn't he more upset?" Omi demanded, incredulously.
Birman looked down at her clipboard, on which Manx had provided a series of helpful notes for dealing with the cast and crew. Under Ken's name were the words 'Sleepover scene' - in bold print, circled, and underlined with a red pen. "I have no idea," she said, out loud.
Omi slunk off, muttering to himself.
Birman approached Aya next. "Um…" She glanced back down at her instructions. "I'm supposed to tell you something about swords… Manx thought there was a bit of a problem last time…"
"Not enough sharp things to hurt people with!" Hell called, from where she was polishing up her ninja stars. "We need more this time!"
"Oh." Birman flipped through her notes, a little confused. Finding nothing to counter that, she bit her lip. "Well… okay then. Keep that in mind, Aya."
Birman felt uneasy, for some reason. She went to check on her crew, to make herself feel better. "Is everything set with props?" she asked.
"Cars hurt God!"
That didn't help much. "Uh… Special effects?" Birman asked, a bit weakly.
Nagi scowled. He was not too pleased with the idea that Tot would actual have to be in the movie and couldn't help him with the 'effects'. Instead of answering, he chose to wave a hand and start up the sprinklers intended to stimulate rain.
Birman blinked a few times to get the rain out of her eyes. "Okay then."
She avoided the corner where Schoen was working on something that looked suspiciously like Omi's old clothing while snickering in a manner that sounded very evil, and made it back to her director's chair. "I don't even want to know about the music," she muttered. "All right, on to the romantic beach scene!"
"On to the romantic beach scene!" Birman repeated, louder this time.
"I said ON TO THE ROMANTIC BEACH SCENE!" she bellowed, at the top of her lungs.
"Hey, I'm not deaf." Youji strutted out in a black swimsuit with his sunglasses perched on his nose. "God damn, I am a fine piece of work. This role is made for me."
Birman looked around. "Where's Omi?"
Youji shrugged. "In his dressing room."
She glanced back at the dressing room. Ken was standing by the door, arguing with it. Ken is arguing with a door? She started toward him, puzzled.
"Come on, Omi!" he was saying. "It can't be that bad! Let me see!"
"Omi, we're all wearing stupid costumes, remember?"
"No! No no NO! I'm never coming out! Never!"
Birman stepped up to the room. "What's the problem?"
"He doesn't like his costume," Ken answered, shrugging.
She groaned. "I thought we went through this already!"
"That was before you made him put on the bathing suit."
Birman buried her face in her hands. "I don't have time for this!" she groaned. "Okay, Omi, you can wear the skirt - just come out and go through the scene, please!"
Silence. Then the door opened slowly, and Omi slunk out, glaring at everyone around. He threw a piece of what appeared to be yellow and white frills jumbled together at Schoen's feet. "NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN!"
"Okay!" Birman hastily interjected. "Let's get back to the scene, shall we?" She steered Omi to the stretch of beach they'd roped off with Youji's wire in order to keep people from venturing in. It was important that they get the scene done really fast, since technically, they had no money to actually rent the space.
"Neu! Can I get the romantic music?"
'I Wanna Sex You Up' started to play over the speakers.
"All right!" Youji smirked, nodding. "Now this is my kinda romance!"
"Wha… but… I…" Birman was too busy sputtering in shock to register what her stars were doing.
"Okay… romance." Youji straightened, and grinned at Omi. "Hey pretty thing, wanna get down and dirty in the sand?"
"Youji!" Omi's face went bright red.
"Uh…" Youji noticed Ken glaring murderously at him from behind the cameras. "I mean, this has been really great. How about a goodnight kiss?"
Omi gasped. "Not on the first date!"
"Huh?" Youji scratched his head. "Uh… well… it's been pleasant, then." He held out his hand, and Omi shook it. "Let's do lunch some time."
Birman managed to get to her senses at that point. "Wait! That's not - "
"AGH!" Omi had just tripped over what was supposed to be a shell. "Oh my god!"
"MWAHAHA! SEVERED HEADS HURT GOD!"
Schuldig chose that moment to walk onstage in a policeman's outfit. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you into custody," he said, grabbing Omi's arm and holding up a pair of handcuffs. "It's against the law to murder people and bury their heads in the sand."
"Um…" Omi blinked. "Is this in the script?"
'YMCA' suddenly started playing.
Birman clenched her teeth. "That's it," she hissed. "They don't pay me enough to put up with this!"
Tot bounced over to her seat. "Ooh, food! Yay!" She shoved Omi out of the way before he could take a seat and grabbed Ken's tray out from underneath him. "I'm hungry!"
"Um…" Omi was at a loss - Tot was supposed to have introduced him. "Hi there… I'm…. uh…"
"Hey!" Ken had noticed his missing food. "Give that back!" He grabbed the other end of his tray and started a tug of war with the psychotic little girl. They started growling at each other, pulling the food back and forth across the table.
"Fresh meat!" Hell rose from the table, eyeing Omi in a not-so-nice way. "Welcome to our table," she told him, in a manner that suggested the table was not actually where she was welcoming him to. "Want to play?" She pulled out her newly polished ninja stars.
"Hey… there aren't any knives in the script!" Omi backed away. "This scene should be - Ack!" He ducked as Hell took a swipe at him.
"Um… cut?" Birman protested. "I don't think there are supposed to be - "
"Fine, take it!" Ken shoved the food into Tot's face. "Get your hands off my guy!" he shouted, jumping across the table to tackle Hell. "You hussy!"
"Get the hell off me, bitch!"
"CUT!" Birman screamed. "There could be children present! No more of that!"
"Can we skip to the sleepover scene?" Ken asked plaintively.
Omi looked at him suspiciously. "What happens in the sleepover scene?"
"Pillow fights!" The smile on Ken's face did not match the enthusiastic answer. Omi swallowed nervously.
"Get back to the scene!" Birman ordered. "Neu, can we get that music in for the singing number?"
The theme from Indiana Jones started to play.
"Um… Birman?" Omi looked very confused. "I don't know the words to this one."
Birman was starting to understand why Manx had been so desperate to get out of this job.
"Hmm… I am so wanting to sleep with that hot… um… thing… I saw at the beach." Youji nodded and grinned to cover his slip-up. "Yeah, the way we… uh… shook hands… was just great."
Aya said nothing.
"Aya!" Birman shouted, from offstage. "You're supposed to answer him!"
"Oh baby, that must have been hot," Aya said, in a bored voice.
The director buried her face in her hands.
Youji smirked. "Yes," he said, in a sexy voice, leaning over toward the redhead. "But you know what could be even hotter…"
"Cut!" Birman glared at the blonde. "Stick to your lines, Kudou!"
"My character has a high sex drive." Youji spread his hands, smirking. "He has to hit on hot people. If it's not in the script, it should have been."
"Uh…" Omi was walking across the field with Tot. "I'm not sure your character is supposed to - um - " He struggled for a nice way to describe how she kept beating on the blow-up extras with her umbrella of death.
"Ooh! Extras go bang!"
Farfarello suddenly stopped putting new plastic figures out on the field and joined Tot in brutally destroying the ones that were already in place. "DIE EXTRAS!"
Omi sighed. "You just had to encourage him…"
Gleefully, Farfarello stuck one of his knives into the blown-up bleachers that Youji and Aya were sitting on. The thing exploded, sending everyone on it flying.
"AGH!" Youji landed face down in the mud.
Aya, without changing expression, did a double flip in mid air and landed in a half-cartwheel, rolling up to his feet, sword held high. "Prepare to DIE!" he roared, charging at Farfarello.
Birman gaped. "But where… ?"
"Don't ask," Ken warned her. "It has baffled even the experts."
"Hey Farfie!" Schuldig called, running onto the set in a lab coat holding a couple of half-filled vials. "Here I come!" He dove into the fight.
"You Schwartz bastards!" Youji shouted, joining them.
"HEY!" Both Crawford and Nagi called, from offstage.
"How rude," Nagi sniffed.
"We didn't do anything to him. Honestly!" Crawford shook his head. "Using our team's name in vain like that."
"What do you say we teach him a lesson?"
"Let's go!" Crawford and Nagi joined the fight.
The Reptile theme from Mortal Combat started to play at full volume.
Birman buried her face in her hands. "Why me?" she wailed, unconsciously echoing her predecessor. "Why me?"
"At last… AT LAST!" Ken seemed unaware of the very girly pajamas he was wearing, rubbing his hands together in glee. "It's sleepover time!"
Hell glared at him and settled herself in a corner, where she was carefully filing her nails into points. Somehow, instead of the pastal pajamas that everyone else had to wear, she was clad in a black bodysuit, complete with a belt and suspiciously pointy objects hanging from it.
Several cardboard extras decorated the room, all of which wore suspicious-looking bright red outfits that appeared to have been colored over to cover up whatever was originally on them.
"YAY! PARTY!" Tot bounced into the room, holding her pointy umbrella high.
Omi followed after her cautiously, eyes darting around as if he expected to be attacked at any moment. He wore the feminine pajamas with much less ease than Ken. "Um… what are we doing?" he asked, trying to keep some shred of 'this is a movie and I'm just acting' to his words and movements.
Ken grinned at him. "Pillow fight?" he suggested, innocently.
Before Omi could answer, there was a sudden explosion of noise from outside.
"OW! Hey, all I did was reach over a little!"
Silence in response.
"Is it my fault it's dark! I couldn't see where my hand was going!"
"I didn't mean to touch you there, really! Awwww, Aya…"
Before any more could be said, Hell suddenly sprang up from her position in the corner. "Aha! It's Weiss! TIME TO DIE!" she screamed, crashing through the window and landing on the grass with ninja stars ready.
"Oh no…" Birman sank back into her seat with a groan.
"Um…" Omi watched, somewhat confused. "Is she supposed to do that?"
Aya appeared to have forgotten all about Youji and his 'wandering hands'. "YOU!" he roared, spotting Hell. "DIE!!!!!!!!" He jumped through the cardboard roof of the car and jumped at Hell, sword held high.
"Wee! Fight!" Tot giggled crazily and jumped out the window after her teammate. "YAY!"
"No… cut…" Birman tried to protest weakly, but the scene was beyond her control.
"What are we supposed to do now that they're fighting?" Omi asked, glancing out the window.
Ken smirked. "I'd say it's about time for that pillow fight," he suggested, pulling the younger boy away from the window.
"Um… I don't think this is part of the movie. Ken? KEN? Aaa… mmph!"
"Ack!" Birman tugged at her hair furiously. "STOP THAT!"
Everyone stopped, and looked at her. Nagi even thoughtfully raised the curtain to cover the window so that Ken and Omi's… activities… were not so public.
"You two!" The director pointed at Hell and Aya. "You're supposed to be fooling around in a car! Get to flirting!"
They glanced at each other. "That's not flirting?" Hell sounded genuinely confused.
"Oh god!" Birman turned her head - and spotted something else. "YOU!" She pointed to where Schuldig was calmly relieving the house of valuable items. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
He shrugged. "Robbing the place."
"GAH!" She buried her face in her hands. "There's no thief in the script!" she moaned.
"I took some creative license. It'll liven things up."
Birman buried her face in her hands. "This is not happening… this is not happening… this is not happening…"
However, when she raised her head again, it was.
"Hey!" Youji ran over to where Aya was escorting in his "date" - actually a cardboard cutout that he had to lug with him. She was half tucked under his arm. "How's it going, sexy?"
The cardboard cut-out said nothing. Aya glared.
Youji smirked, holding out a hand. "Care for a dance?"
"Youji!" Birman protested. "You're not supposed to ask her that!"
"Her who?" Youji blinked.
"Her…" Birman glanced at Aya, then at Youji. "Never mind," she sighed, sinking back into her chair in defeat.
Neu started up the dancing music - the Can-Can theme.
Farfarello took that as his cue to kick over the extras with some semblance of staying in time with the music. "MWAHAHAHA! CAN-CAN!"
"WHEEE! Party!" Tot gave her cardboard date a shove - knocking over several others - and started whirling around, swinging at the extras with her umbrella and sending them flying every which way. "YAY!"
Nagi sighed and gazed at her, enraptured. "Ah, perfection." He missed his cue to lower the disco ball and accidentally started up the sprinklers instead.
The music switched to 'It's Raining Men'.
Hell and Crawford were suspiciously absent - the sound of screams and the clashing of ninja stars hitting things were the only clues to their whereabouts.
"Hey, Omi!" Ken waved the purse that he'd been given to match his huge yellow ballroom dress. "Let's dance!"
Omi glanced up at the sprinklers, over at where Youji was trying to flirt with Aya, then down to where the paint was melting off the plastic extras, while Farfarello and Tot gleefully butchered them.
"Sure," he sighed. "Why not?"
Ken grinned. "Excellent!" He grabbed Omi and started up something that was not so much a dance as it was a vertical make-out session.
Birman said nothing.
She had completely passed out.
Schuldig sauntered out of the girls washroom in a miniskirt and high heels. "Hey, guess what?" he announced, in a high-pitched falsetto. "I just found out that my friend is pregnant!"
"Really?" Youji opened his car door, interested. "Who?"
"Youji!" Omi made an impatient noise. "You already know who, remember?"
Omi rested his head on his hand, staring mournfully out at where Ken was watching the scene. "Aren't you supposed to ask me something?" he muttered, not looking at Youji.
"I am? Oh, right… wanna wear my ring?"
Omi held out his hand. "Of course."
"Cool. Now I have every right to make out with…" Youji stopped, as Aya walked by the car. "Uhhh… never mind! I'll be right back!" He jumped up and ran out the door, after the redhead.
Birman's eyes were red and somewhat wild as she watched her scene fall apart again. "But… but…" she protested, weakly.
"Don't worry, Birman!" Ken assured her, brightly. "I'll fill in for Youji!" He darted across the set and into the car, immediately pulling Omi down below the car window. All the younger boy managed to get out was a half-strangled 'gaaah…'
The bathroom door slammed all the way open, and out stepped Hell. "I am now about to give birth to a demon child whose legitimate father is the one and true God… Masafumi!" She started to laugh evilly, just as Neu started up the theme from Dracula.
"Yay!" Tot clapped her hands.
"Hot dogs, get your hot dogs!" Schuldig walked by them, dressed in a white uniform with a box full of junk food hanging from his neck.
"But… how did… he was…" Birman's eyes grew even more distressed.
"I think you should've made the role 'random extras' a little more specific," Youji pointed out.
"Oh my god." Birman sank down, her head between her knees. "I can't take this…" She shut her eyes. "Where's my psychiatrist when I need him?"
"Prepare to be beaten in a challenge that will determine which of us is most skilled." Crawford pushed up his glasses. "I, of course, am the inevitable victor."
Schuldig sauntered over in tight pants and a low-cut shirt. "Ready to start when you are, sexy," he cooed, in an even higher falsetto than before. He took a few steps with an exaggerated hip swaying to emphasize.
"And now…" Crawford paused for dramatic effect. "To business."
Aya raised his sword.
"No!" Birman's voice cracked with hysteria. Her hair was in disarray, and her eyes were even wilder than before. "You're supposed to get knocked out! Youji's supposed to fill in for you…"
"I will fight!" Aya leaped forward, brandishing his sword. "DIE!"
It took Youji, Ken, and Omi together to hold him back.
"Be prepared to eat my dust." Youji smirked, getting into his car - which actually was his car and not a cardboard prop, like Crawford's. "I am the master of fast driving."
Crawford pushed up his glasses and smiled.
Schuldig took another few sauntering steps over to where he was to start off the race. "Ready?" He raised the handkerchief. "Set?" The car engines started. The handkerchief came down…
… and stopped halfway. "Really set? Are you sure?"
Youji's car took off. Crawford's - which was, after all, cardboard - was much slower.
"Oh yeah, this is the easiest race ever…" Youji smirked to himself. "I am so good. Aya's just gonna love this…" He approached the finish line with no sign of the competition in sight.
Until he crossed it and realized that Crawford was already there, sipping lemonade.
"What the…?" Youji got out of his car, staring incredulously. "That's impossible! There's no way you could have gotten here ahead of me!"
Crawford looked up, with a smile. "Isn't there?"
"Hey! I was supposed to win that race! Birmaaaaaaan!"
Unfortunately for him, Birman was in the fetal position on the ground, busily hyperventilating.
"This is not happening… it's just a dream… this is not happening…"
"That's right." Youji straightened his sports jacket, and smirked. "I was willing to change myself and do something I would never do in order to romance a guy." He smiled winningly at Aya. "See how far I'm willing to go for love?"
Aya glanced at him, then looked away.
Youji leaned in closer. "Of course, I could show you what else I can do for love, in private…"
A low moan interrupted before Aya could answer. Birman sat hunched over in the director's chair. She was hardly recognizable - her hair was totally wild, her eyes were bloodshot, and she seemed to be staring at nothing. Her clothing was in complete disarray.
"Yeah…" Youji backed off. "Maybe it's not a good idea to set her off… Where's Omi?"
"No! NO! I'm not coming out! Don't come any closer… hey! I said don't come any… What are you doing? AGH! NO! STOP!"
Moments later, the voice was followed by a normally dressed Ken, who had tossed over his shoulder a black-spandex-clad Omi. "PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW!" the younger boy bellowed, face beet red.
Ken ignored him. "Sorry we're late," he said cheerfully. "Did we miss our cue?"
"KEN!" Omi had stopped struggling, but the look on his face was enough to frighten small children. "If you don't put me down RIGHT NOW, you'll NEVER be getting laid EVER AGAIN!"
"Ever?" Ken's smile faltered; his voice quavered. He dropped Omi to the ground with a thud.
"Ow!" The younger boy glared up at him.
"Way to make an entrance," Youji commented.
Omi scrambled to his feet, dusting himself off. Then he took a look around, puzzled. "Where's Tot?"
Behind him, the entire carnival scene suddenly came crashing down, punctuated by two sets of insane laughter.
"Uhhh…" Youji glanced at the ruined scene. "Maybe it would've been better to ask where Farfarello was."
Ken glanced at the new set. "Hey, looks like we're doing Tarzan now."
"Really?" Youji grinned. "And I make a perfect star." He sidled up to Aya. "What do you say? Wanna be my Jane?"
He didn't even see the fist coming until it smacked him across the face.
"OW! God! Same eye as last time, too!"
'Welcome to the Jungle' started playing on the loudspeakers.
That about did it for Birman. "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" she screamed, and leaped out of her seat, running for the door. "Wait for me, Bessy, I'm coming hooooooome!"
The cast glanced at each other.
"Yes!" Omi exalted. "I can put some normal clothes on again!" He ran off toward the dressing room.
"Now what?" Ken asked curiously.
"OH MY GOD! MY CLOTHES!"
Schoen's laughter suddenly filled the air.
"That's it!" Hell snatched up the director's hat that Birman had dropped. "Now I am the director! And the first things we'll do are… bring back Masafumi, kill Weiss and TAKE OVER THE WORLD! WAHAHAHA!"
Ken and Youji glanced at each other.
"Does this mean I can't keep the pants?"