Dear Journal


Part Three


*June 25*

You know, for once I actually have something good to write in this stupid thing. It’s unbelievable, but… Satoshi loves me. He told me just today. He loves me. I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy. I mean, I spent what seems like eternity agonizing over the fact that I loved him, and it was so horrible of me – and he loves me back. I never want to let him out of my sight now; he’s so perfect and wonderful in my arms. And he’s got this wicked streak I never would’ve suspected. I mean, he told me in the boys’ locker room – just because my first dream happened there, I guess – and then we wound up making out on the floor. And it was all his idea. Nothing happened beyond kissing – I mean, I think I might like to, but we were just so full of being with each other… And, to tell you the truth, I’m not sure Satoshi would go for it at this point. We only just got together, and we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, so I guess we shouldn’t rush into anything. I know I’d be happy to just spend the rest of my life staring at him… Heh, I’m getting all sappy now. I’d better go.




This has got to be the worst movie I’ve ever been to. I watched in disbelief as the girl on the screen went creeping down a dark hallway – in her underwear, at that – holding a butcher knife as protection. Good god, who wrote this crap? It hurt to know that I’d never get these two hours back again. Not to mention that seven bucks.

I reached down blindly for the popcorn, but the bag was gone. My hand brushed Shigeru’s leg instead. Oh… whoops. "Sorry," I whispered – just a courtesy. I don’t know who might have actually been enjoying that movie, but it was better to be polite than to get beaned with an empty pop bottle.

Still… "Where’s the popcorn?" I turned slightly to glance at Shigeru. He smiled innocently and shrugged.

"Maybe you ate it all, Sato," he said. I frowned suspiciously. Last time I’d reached for some, the bag had been half full. There was no way he could have eaten the rest in such a short time, so I knew he had to be holding out on me.

"Shigeru…" I began, warningly (hey, I get violent when it comes to food), but he cut me off.

"I’m saving it for a bit later, OK?" He slid a casual – well, not quite casual – arm around my shoulders. "The movie is spoiling the popcorn, if you know what I mean."

I laughed softly. "No doubt. But we might as well stay, since we can’t very well get our money back. Besides, I’m supposed to go home after the movie, and I’d rather enjoy your company for a while longer."

"You just want to see that girl get mauled," he teased.

"Maybe." I smiled sweetly and turned back to the movie. Shigeru knew me too well. Besides, the girl reminded me of one of his ‘admirers’ – who I didn’t particularly get along with. Seeing a maniac killer chase her through a haunted house gave me a strange feeling of satisfaction.

I’m not sure I’ll last until the end…I watched the girl squeal and drop the knife in fear. This is probably just going to get worse before it gets better.

Shigeru shifted a little beside me, and his arm slid against my shoulders. Well, I’m not the only one who thinks this is lame, anyway. He leaned against my shoulder… Well, no, actually… his lips brushed lightly against my neck… oh…

I shivered in reaction, and felt suddenly very nervous. It’s all right – you’re just in a theatre with people on all sides… doesn’t mean they’ll be watching…There’s a movie playing, right? Right… And… Shigeru’s kissing my neck… he’s putting his hands… oh god! My whole body tensed with surprise as Shigeru softly attacked my throat, one hand trailing lightly down the front of my chest. Ooh… that felt nice… I mean, real nice… but… OK, you were bound to get into this sooner or later…Just not in public… Oddly enough, that was turning me on even more.

I bit back a moan as Shigeru sucked lightly on the skin near the base of my neck, and tilted my head instinctively. "Geru…" Was that me? I sounded like something from a bad make-out scene in those romantic movies my mother liked. It was weird, too… I mean, I wanted him to stop but I didn’t… He leaned over me until I was back against the armrest and continued his assault on my neck, trailing kisses upward to my jaw, behind my ear… My breath was coming in little gasps; Shigeru’s hand brushed over the hardness in my lap and I nearly came in my pants.

"Geru, please." I tried to grab his hand, but my fingers were shaking. "I… don’t…" I wasn’t too sure what I was feeling more, hormones or fear. I couldn’t even tell if I was afraid; it was… confusing. Was it because there were all these people around that I couldn’t get this intimate with the love of my life? Or was it me?

Whatever it was, I only wanted Shigeru to get off of me at the moment.

He backed off immediately, and I missed his closeness right away. All right, so I wanted Shigeru. That was normal; I loved him and he was gorgeous – but that didn’t mean I was ready to start getting sexual in a movie theatre with people all around.

"Something wrong, Toshi?" he asked softly. He didn’t look hurt that I’d stopped this before it could turn into more. Actually, he looked concerned. "You weren’t ready for that? I didn’t mean to push it…"

"No, it’s OK." I sat up again and smiled. "Maybe it was just the theatre. I’m not sure right now, all right?"

"Gotcha." He gave me a half smile. "Hands to myself in public. I’ll keep that in mind."

"Thanks." I picked up his arm and draped it around my shoulders again, then flashed him an appealing smile. "Now how about that popcorn, hmm?"


*July 2*

I love Satoshi. Wow, I should start every journal entry like that. Amazing how my brains have seemed to turn into mush since we started going out. I need a hobby or something. But, well, we’ve only been going out for a week. Maybe I’ll be less obsessive after it’s been a while. (yeah, right) I think I’d really like to take this further – true, it’s only been a week, but I’ve been friends with him since we were little and it feels like we’ve always been together, sort of. It could be just hormones – lord knows they’ve caused me enough trouble in the past. But I wouldn’t mind being with him, I mean, physically. I’m not sure about him. We went to the theatre a while ago and saw a *really* bad movie (bad enough to make me wish I’d thrown my money in the gutter instead), and I kind of tried… something else. Further than we’d gone before. He liked it, I could tell, but he stopped me anyway. Maybe it was just the whole ‘we’re in public’ thing. I don’t know. If he doesn’t want to do anything, that’s fine with me, but if he does, I want to find out. Maybe he doesn’t even know. God, this is just getting pathetic. I need to stop writing.




"Aren’t you going?" I hung around as my mother brushed her hair, not able to keep the impatient note out of my voice. She was getting ready to go see a movie with some friends. Hopefully not the one I’d already seen, since I told her it was terrible.

"In a bit," she answered infurioratingly. "I’m sure you and Shigeru can wait a few more minutes, can’t you?"

"No," I whined – yes, whined; it’s a bad habit of mine. "I want to call him now. I told him you’d be gone by seven o’clock, and it’s almost seven thirty!"

"You’re not that anxious, are you?" She smiled sweetly at me. "And don’t you play innocent with me, Satoshi. I know why you want him over when I’m not here. Just keep any… activity… confined to your room, all right."

My face went completely red; I could feel it. "I never said we’d be doing anything like that. We’re supposed to be watching movies."

"Of course, Satoshi." The look on my mother’s face was angelic. "Just clean up after yourselves, all right." I had a feeling she wasn’t talking about the popcorn I had going downstairs.

"We’re…just…watching…movies," I repeated firmly. The last thing I wanted was my mother prying into my sex life – not like I had one yet, of course. But I think Shigeru was anxious to change that.

I should’ve waited with the popcorn. I could probably have cooked it on my face by now.

"I didn’t say you weren’t, honey." She walked by me, planted a kiss on my flaming cheek, and hurried downstairs. "Go ahead and call your boyfriend. I’m leaving in a couple of minutes, anyway."

That was all I needed to hear. I made a mad dash for the phone, pressed the number one on speed-dial, and waited, impatiently tapping my fingers on the counter.

"Hello?" Wow, first ring. I should be honored.

"Hi Geru. Miss me?"

"It’s about time." He sounded about as impatient as I felt. A whole night alone… This would be only my second chance to make out with Shigeru. I was looking forward to it a great deal. "I was beginning to think you didn’t want to see me."

I grinned, knowing that he wasn’t serious. "My mom’s about to leave. Want to start walking over?"

"No," he answered sarcastically. "Why on earth would I want to come over to your place when you’re all alone? Of course, I’m there. Why don’t you save me some trouble and take off your shirt?"

I shivered. Why that… I’d show him! "Who says I’m wearing a shirt?" I answered seductively.

Shigeru said nothing for quite a while. "Shigeru?"

"I’m still here." His voice was tightly controlled. I grinned at his next words. "Are you?"

I didn’t bother to answer. "Who says I’m wearing anything at all?"

"I’ll be there in ten minutes." The dial tone sounded in my ear. I laughed softly to myself and went to sit on the couch.


*July 17*

I just got off the phone with Satoshi, that little… Not wearing anything? I’ll bet he’s just taunting me. But, if he’s not… Well, fine! He’ll just have to get cold while I write. That’ll show him, the minx! Heh. Actually, he’d probably get mad if he heard that I called him that. Oh well, he is. Tonight, we’re all alone… Why the hell am I wasting time writing? Things have been going great between us, lately… I really think tonight could be it… Well, maybe that’s just wishful thinking. But we’ll see how he feels about it, I guess. All right, now I’m just being stupid. I’m going to go.




I watched my mother walk down the front steps with a feeling of immense satisfaction. Gone! And Shigeru and I would have the whole house to ourselves. If we had been five years old again, the place would have been our personal playground. Tonight… Well, I was hoping for something a litte more… personal… than a playground.

Shigeru showed up about two minutes later. "Hey." There was a huge grin on his face. "I thought you said you weren’t wearing anything, hmm?"

"I didn’t!" I protested innocently. "I said ‘who said I’m wearing anything at all’. That doesn’t mean I was actually parading around naked."

The grin on his face didn’t change. "Well, then, maybe we need to change that," he said, stepping forward and sliding his hands around my waist. I started with surprise, and he managed to gain the advantage, catching my lips with his. Shigeru… I returned the kiss eagerly.

"There’s some popcorn in the kitchen," I murmured, when we broke apart. "Just wait and I’ll – "

He cut me off by softly pressing his lips to the corner of my jaw. "Stay," he breathed, against my skin, kissing down my neck. "We don’t need popcorn."

"But…" I barely squeaked out, not really sure where my thoughts were. "It’ll get cold," I managed. What a weak excuse for a protest that was.

Shigeru’s hands slid under my shirt, making me shiver with pleasure. "You don’t want me to get cold, do you?" he teased, forcing a moan from the back of my throat as his fingers touched a tender spot. God… I barely noticed when he slid my shirt over my head, effectively baring my skin.

"Shigeru…" I’d meant it to sound cautious; instead, it came out like some whimpering plea. I could hardly think straight – and I didn’t want to, either. Maybe this was the right time. Maybe we were both ready for this new step. I wanted to be with him so badly it burned. So instead of continuing to act limp and passive, I pulled his head back up to mine and claimed his lips as passionately as I knew how, hands wandering to the hem of his shirt.

"Couch?" he suggested breathlessly, as we manged to get his shirt over his head.

I shook my head. "Bedroom." Amazing. I was starting to think.

He nodded, but didn’t let go of me. I think he might’ve been afraid – that if he released me, he’d never get a chance again. "Shigeru," I murmured. "We have to move to get to the bedroom."

"I’m aware of that, Satoshi," he said dryly, finally releasing me. One arm stayed hooked around my shoulders tightly as we took our party for two upstairs.

I didn’t get a chance to do much once we made it to my room, because Shigeru immediately faced me and cupped my face in both of his hands. "Are you sure of this, Toshi? I mean, I already know that this is what I want, but you…"

I shrugged. "Well, why don’t we just go for it and I’ll tell you afterwards." I was anxious to have his lips on mine again, so I leaned forward to shut him up with a kiss.

He stopped me with a hand over my mouth. "Satoshi," he began, a pained look on his face. "We can’t just ‘go for it’ and then figure it out after we’re done. This isn’t the way I want it to be with us." He sighed, and hugged me close – but not in a way that would arouse me further. "It’s supposed to be something special. I mean, because I love you and I know you love me too, and I want to show you what that means to me."

"So show me!" I pushed back a little and looked him in the eye. "We love each other, so this shouldn’t be a problem."

"Well, it is!" Shigeru retorted, almost angrily. "I don’t want to wake up tomorrow morning and find out that you’re regretting something I found special and perfect, all right? And you’d hate me for it!"

"Shigeru!" I was a bit shocked at that. "I couldn’t hate you."

"Maybe." He seemed unconvinced. "But humour me, OK? I want you to know that you’re ready before we jump into this."

I sighed. "Fine, fine. I’ll think about it, then. But that means you’re definitely not getting any tonight."

"I’ll live." He released me. "So I spend another night dreaming. Just means it’ll be that much better when the time comes, hmm?" The familiar smirk appeared on his face.

"Yeah, we’ll see." I gave him a ‘look’, and then a thought struck me. "Shigeru…" I could feel that mischievous smile spreading across my face. "There’s a nice big couch downstairs, you know. And I’d hate to watch movies alone… This place is just so big and empty – I get lonely."

"So, you want me to stay and keep you company?" He raised an eyebrow.

"That too." I leaned up and finally managed to claim his lips in a kiss.


*July 25*

Well, I’m dying. Insane, huh? I think Satoshi’s just getting revenge on me for not going along with his plan of ‘screw me now, ask questions later’. It’s been over a week, and he’s still pleading innocent with the whole ‘intimate’ question. I swear I see this evil glint in his eyes whenever he gives me that overly sweet little smile and tells me he still doesn’t know. I think he knows already, and he’s just making me sweat. I have dreams about him every night. They start off normal, and then Satoshi somehow manages to lose his clothes. Like the one about the mall – he fell into the fountain. (‘Oops! These had better come off!’) Or when we went walking in the woods, and they got caught on some branches… (don’t ask me how they all came off; my dreams make no sense, even to me) Of course, the inevitable happens, and we fuck like crazy. Naturally. Could I ever have normal dreams? Not at this point in my life. Especially not with Satoshi taunting me the way he is. He *must* be taunting me. I can’t think up any other explaination for this. It’s getting really frustrating, too… Ah, well, at least I have him. He loves me as much as I love him, I know. And that’s probably all I need. I’m just being a hormonal teenager, that’s all. And I really wish I wasn’t.




I watched the back of Shigeru’s head as he climbed the stairs ahead of me. All right, no big deal. So you’re going to talk about being… physically intimate. That’s no reason to feel nervous, right? And just because he might not like what you have to say…

Oh, of course. No reason to feel nervous. I was only about to have a nervous breakdown at age 17. Why did this issue have to be such a big deal? It wasn’t even that important. I mean, we loved each other, right? We’d screw each other silly eventually, if we stayed together as long as I assumed we were probably going to stay together. So who cared? It would happen when it happened.

Shigeru shut the door of my room behind us, then turned to grin wolfishly at me. "So, my dear Satoshi," he began in a teasing voice. "Have you reached a final verdict, or will you taunt the helpless defendant some more?"

That made me smile. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close to me. "I have, your honor," I murmured, my lips just inches from his.

"Mmm, I like that. ‘Your honor’… So what would I have to give you to get you to call me that on a regular basis?" He kissed me softly, one of those warm kisses that made me feel for him so much.

"Try taking me to the moon and throw in a mountain of chocolate," I told him, blinking innocently and trying to look serious. "Then maybe I’ll consider it."

"You drive a hard bargain." He opened his eyes fully and gazed into mine. I loved Shigeru’s eyes. They were mysterious and stormy and beautiful, and in moments like that one, they shone with complete and total affection for me. "So?"

"So…?" I mocked him, knowing perfectly well what he was getting at.

He slid his hands over my lower back comfortably. "What’s your decision?"

I sighed and leaned my forehead against his. "Actually, Shigeru, my decision was not to make a decision."

He pulled back and stared at me. "What!?"

"It’s not like it sounds!" I added quickly, noting the irritation on his face. "I mean, I want to have us hope into bed and fuck like two horny tomcats, but at the same time, I don’t, you know? It’s… confusing."

"So what do you think we should do about that?"

"Let things happen at their own pace." I leaned against him. "Honestly, Geru, I’m sick of making such a big deal out of these things. It’ll happen when it happens, and I really don’t want you spoiling the mood with extensive questioning on whether I’m ready. I’ll tell you if it doesn’t feel right."

He grinned. "Satoshi, Satoshi… You’re just trying to weasle your way out of making a decision, aren’t you?"

"Guess so." I gave him a disarming smile. "Is it working?"

"Who am I to spoil your extensive planning?" Shigeru pulled me into a long, passionate kiss, and I stopped thinking about the issue – or thinking about anything, really.

Things were going to work out fine.


*July 30*

Things are actually going pretty good. For some reason, after Satoshi’s non-decision, a lot of the sexual tension between us has become less immediate. I’m not saying I don’t get totally horny when we make out, but the fact that we can if we want to and there’s an opportunity is making things more bearable. We actually joke about what our first time’s going to be like, if you can believe that. Satoshi swears that we’re going to one day get to the point where our competitive nature will push us to actually comparing dick sizes. He said, ‘The second I see you naked, you know we’re going to have to have sex.’ I’m not arguing on that one. If that happened, of course. But I guess we’ll just have to wait and see… I’m sure it’ll be worth waiting for, at any rate. Most definitely.


The End