Great. A journal. Just what I always wanted for Christmas. You know, I think my sister has a weird sense of humour. Well, may as well fill up the darn thing, huh? My grandfather thinks it's just great, like I'm going to turn into some teen prodigy. Heh. Fat chance of that happening. Well, my name is in the cover, but since my darling sister informs me that I'm supposed to be treating this journal like an actual person, I should introduce myself. I'm Ookido Shigeru, and my sister is Nanami. My best friend is Toraeru Satoshi, and I go to Masara Senior Secondary (MSS for short). People think I'm going to turn out to be some kind of professor like my grandfather, because I like to keep to myself a lot and I get good marks. Yeah right. Plus, I'm only 17. I have no idea what I'm going to do with my life. I wish people would stop giving me gifts like this stupid journal... Heh, well, I'm going to stop now, I feel dumb.
Back to school today. I really don't know why I'm writing in this stupid thing. You know what? I never even liked writing before. Stupid Nanami. She thinks it's just so great that I have a journal, she keeps raving on about it like it's going to make me into some great thinker or something. Satoshi laughed at her when she told him. My best friend is practically the opposite of me. He's open and friendly, and doesn't have a problem with saying just what's on his mind. Sometimes it gets him into trouble too, but it's usually nothing he can't talk himself out of. Still, he can be really stupid, but in this strange way, it's pretty appealing. I mean, there's this girl named Kasumi who used to have a huge crush on him. He didn't even notice. I thought it was pretty obvious. They were friends too, and she kept trying to get his attention. He still doesn't know. I think she gave up on him, she's fallen for one of his friends -- another one of those happy, friendly people that I can never seem to make friends with by myself. Satoshi attracts people like rotten fruit attracts flies. Oh great, I'm starting on the metaphors. Maybe Nanami's right. I'd better stop writing...
It's a new term. Satoshi's in most of my classes. We were both pretty happy about that, I think we got some strange looks when we were comparing our schedules and he kept yelling about how awesome it was. Satoshi's funny that way. The stupidest things excite him, and then when there's actually something major happening, he hardly even reactes. Well, maybe I am happy he's in so many of my classes. Satoshi makes me feel good about myself, I mean, because sometimes I'm not always sociable and don't make friends that easy. I get really distant sometimes. If it weren't for him, I probably wouldn't have any real friends, because every single good friend I have, I made through him. Usually, people just think I'm 'too cool' to bother with. Satoshi doesn't have that problem, because he's even friendly to people like me. I'm glad he's around. I can't remember what it was like before I met him. But then, that was a really long time ago! I don't really want to take a stroll down memory lane, plus it's late, so I'm going to go to bed.
It's been a while since I wrote in here. I guess I only thought of it because some girl sent a note to Satoshi today asking for my phone number! I'd never even looked at her twice, and she wants my number. Weird, huh? He wouldn't stop teasing me about it, either. 'So when are you going to get married?' 'Am I invited to the wedding?' I wanted to punch him! But, you know, I could never hit Satoshi. He seems so slight, and he's shorter than me, so I guess I sometimes feel like I need to protect him. Not that I know anyone who'd hurt him. He's well-known around school for helping people out when he can. Except with grades. You know, it took me three months worth of heavy tutoring to get him a decent mark in Math. And I won't even mention English...
Guess what? Today was Valentine's Day. I got valentines from some girls I didn't even know. It was weird, because they're there, but I've never noticed them, and I didn't know they'd noticed me. Makes me feel kind of strange. Satoshi got lots of stuff too -- somebody gave him a big box of candy, but we haven't been able to find out who. I think his face was the same shade of red as the box. It's weird, but... I felt kind of jealous. And not the way you'd think, either. He shared the candy with me, but I didn't really enjoy it. I kept thinking, who would send him chocolates on Valentines day? And did it impress him? If whoever sent it approached him, would he go n out with her? I've never thought of Satoshi with a girlfriend, he just seems too... I don't know, wild. Untameable, sort of. I don't think I'd like having to share my best friend with some girl. I know it wasn't Kasumi, either, because she gave a big chocolate heart to Toshi's friend Hiroshi. He had one for her, too, which was kind of funny. I think those two really like each other, but they're not going out yet. I'm getting to know them better, and they can be fun too. Plus, Satoshi gets happy when I have fun with his other friends, so I try to at least make an effort.
I am so incredibly bored, I've even resorted to writing in this journal. Well, I just do when I've got nothing else going on. Satoshi's grounded again -- he tried to steal his mother's prize roses for Hiroshi to give to Kasumi. I'll admitt it was a nice thing to do, but I think he went about it the wrong way. Poor Toshi. His heart's always in the right place. That's one of his best qualities, that and the ability to pull through when things look impossible. Honestly, that guy is the most stubborn person I know -- next to myself, I guess. That's probably why he's willing to put up with me, or, devoting his time to a lost cause, as I'm sure most people think. There's another good quality: loyalty. Satoshi is loyal to a fault. And he doesn't give up on his friends. That's probably why he tried to steal those roses. Heh. He's still got another week left in his 'sentence'. Well, that's what he gets for being an idiot. He should've just asked, I'll bet his mom would've given him those roses. Well, that's Satoshi, though. He won't ask for anybody's help; has to do things his way. I wish I had his persistance. I'm still bored... I think I'll go give him a call.
The weirdest thing happened today, and I can't tell anyone about it. I guess I'll write it, because I seriously have to get this off my chest. I was walking through the hall with Satoshi and then this girl, one of the prettiest girls in the whole school, suddenly comes up and starts talking to us. It's weird, I mean, because I don't see a lot of girls doing that, especially the really pretty, really popular ones like her. Then when we stop for a while, she sort of leans over me and asks if I have a date for the dance next Friday. I almost freaked, because she was so obviously coming on to me, and she was real close, but I felt... nothing. I didn't know what to say, it was really painful. So I stammered something about promising to go with friends and maybe I'd see her there, and she just nodded and winked at me and said something like 'count on it'. Satoshi thought I was crazy. He leaned over and pretended to take my temperature, and THAT'S when I felt something. Seriously. It was so scary, because I felt absolutely nothing when this gorgeous girl was hanging all over me, but Satoshi does something so innocent, and suddenly my heart's hammering like I've ran forty miles. I've never thought about it before, and I'd obviously never tell it to anyone, but I think... I might be gay. I hope Satoshi doesn't find out. I don't know what he'd think.
Tonight was Friday, the dance, and it was such a disaster. I came home early, said I wasn't feeling well. I really wasn't. It was horrible. I must be gay, because I saw that girl again, she wore some strappy little revealing outfit that had half the guys standing around by me turning to stare with their mouths open, and I couldn't even bring myself to feel a spark of interest. And she asked me to dance. I didn't want anyone to know, and Satoshi was standing right beside me nudging my arm and saying things like 'go for it' so that she couldn't hear. I felt absolutely miserable, but I really had no idea of what else to do. So I danced with her. She was doing her best to entice me, I could tell. What was I supposed to say to her? The idea of actually going out with her left me totally cold. I only danced one dance with her, and it was a fast song. Then I muttered something about needing to sit down and ran back to the side. Satoshi wasn't there any more either, he was off dancing. A slow song came on, and I saw him with some girl... I lost it completely, almost ran out of the school gym. I guess he saw, because he came after me a little while later, and that's when I said I wasn't feeling well and just went home. He doesn't suspect -- well, I hope he doesn't. He didn't act like he did, just said he was sorry and he'd tell everyone where I went. I don't feel like I deserve a good friend like him right now. It feels like my life's falling apart.
I hate school now. It feels like everyone's looking at me, and they all know my secret. I spent today trying to avoid that girl. I haven't told Satoshi yet, either. I don't think I'll let him in on this. We had gym class today and I stared at the wall while I got changed. I didn't want anyone to see me looking, and I wouldn't be able to help myself if I was gay, right? Then Satoshi asked me what was wrong and I turned around without thinking... He still had his jeans on, but the way his skin was exposed made me totally aware of the fact that I had been attracted to him when he leaned over me. It was so embarrassing, I mean I'd never have thought of this at all if that stupid girl hadn't been coming on to me. I liked what I saw, too, that's what makes it so bad. I'm horrible. He had really pale skin, it looked smooth... He wasn't too thin or anything. I can't help picturing him like that now, and the more I try not to, the more I do. It's just a vicious cycle and so ironic -- ha ha. I hate myself.
I must be the world's biggest creep, a first-class pervert. I hate myself so much right now it's not even funny. I hate that girl even more, she wrecked my life, the bitch. I know she hasn't come on to me lately -- must've taken the hint and realized I wasn't interested. It's still early morning right now, no one in my house is up except for me. Nanami's going to be really surprised when she found out I did the laundry myself without being asked. Little does she know... I had a horrible dream last night -- and the thing that made it so horrible is that it didn't feel horrible at all. I was watching some kind of show, and then the stage lights up and Satoshi comes on, smiling the way he does when he's really pleased with himself -- and that's all he's wearing, that smile. He just stands there, like that's the show. It's enough. Everything's sort of a blur, then we're on the floor in the gym lockers, making out. I don't remember much about it, except we probably did more than just kissing, because I woke up and... well. I'm sure the rest is obvious. The thing is that just thinking about it turns me on -- and then thinking about what that means makes me want to scream and hit something, or just roll over and die. I'm such a freak of nature, I should be shot. I'm the most horrible person that ever lived. Why is this happening to me? I don't even want to see Satoshi today, because I know all I'll be able to think about is that dream. I wish I could just fall off the face of the earth. The only thing I'd ask for is to take that stupid girl with me.
Is it possible to get used to being a sick bastard? I think it is, because I'm starting to be less horrified every morning I wake up and remember dreaming about Satoshi in strange and blantantly sexual situations. It must be wrong -- he's my best friend, and I'm having these sick and evil dreams about him. It can't be right; if I were a REAL friend, I wouldn't be thinking about him like that. I can hardly bear to look at my face in the mirror. People MUST know by now. I don't think Satoshi could ever figure it out, because he's so deaf and blind to the world around him that I could scream in his ear that I want to rip off all his clothes and fuck his brains out and he wouldn't even notice. I think Hiroshi and Kasumi might be starting to suspect something -- I know that they are aware of the fact that I have a problem, and it's come up pretty recently... I avoid talking to them alone. They don't need to know what's wrong with me. Plus, they'd probably be disgusted, and then they'd tell Satoshi too, and I don't want him to know. God, I think I'd die if he ever found out. I don't even want to know what he would think of all this. Does he ever dream about me? I wish I knew. My life sucks. I hate this so much... the only bright point is Satoshi himself; when I'm with him, I can forget that I'm a pervert and a horrible friend and just enjoy his presense. He still makes me laugh... I didn't think I could any more, but he proves me wrong all the time. I wish he was here now, even though I don't feel very much like laughing.
Hiroshi knows -- about me, I mean. I told him today. I wish I could keep it inside, and not let anyone know, but it gets really hard. I didn't tell him about my dreams. He doesn't know that I've become so sexually obsessed with my best friend. That's the worst part of it all, though. Still, I fell better, because Hiroshi didn't say I was disgusting or anything. He even told me it was OK, that he was still my friend and that anyone who didn't like me just because of that didn't deserve to be friends with me at all. I was sorta glad to hear him say that -- because it's one thing to see it happen in books and movies and stuff, where the friends are all accepting, but it's hard to picture it in real life, and when it's you. I don't feel quite so alone now that I've told someone and he's accepted. I swore him to secrecy, though. Right before I even told him, I made him promise not to tell a single living soul. I wasn't going to tell him at all, but I couldn't help myself. He cornered me right after school when I went to the washroom and asked what was wrong. There was such a concerned expression on his face that I couldn't hold it in any more, so I spilled everything, about how the girl came on to me and how I reacted to Satoshi's touch but not hers. And then, the dreams... I didn't say what they were about, just that I was positive that I was gay now because of them. I still haven't really figured that out, actually, though. I mean, I might not be gay -- I'm not even the slightest bit attracted to Hiroshi, and he's pretty good-looking. I think it's just that I am VERY attracted to Satoshi, so much that I can't be turned on by anyone else. It's sad, really. I'm a pathetic person. He gives me his loyalty and friendship, and I screw it all up by going and doing something like this. No matter what Hiroshi or anybody else says, it's horrible and wrong, and I'm a terrible friend.
I had another weird dream last night, but it wasn't like the others. Usually in these dreams there's not much talking, we just get right down to... business. This time we didn't even do anything sexual, it was weird. He was wearing clothes, too, I can't remember which ones, just something. That was the first time I'd had a dream where he wasn't naked since I figured out that I was gay. We just sort of sat there in the school gym and he leans over and says 'I love you'. Can you believe that? And then -- get this -- I turn to him and say 'I love you too'. And then I wake up on a total high... God. It's scary and it's warm and makes me happy at the same time. I had to smile every time I saw him after it. I just kept thinking about how good it felt when he told me those words, even if he didn't really say them. I hope I have more dreams like that, they don't feel as bad as the others when I wake up. I can't believe how much I adore that dream, it's making my world soar. I can't hate myself as much, not after that. You know what? I think I'm in love. With my best friend. Isn't that insane? I love him. He's perfect and wonderful and incredibly sexy at the same time. I shouldn't be thinking this, I shouldn't be feeling the way I am. I should NOT be feeling good about it. It's horrible... isn't it? I think I'm going to lie down and obsess over my beautiful dream for a few more hours.
I wonder if it's possible that Satoshi might feel the same way I do. Sure, nothing's changed since I realized that I was kind of in love with him and he turned me on and all, but I keep seeing just the smallest things that might mean that he likes me too. They probably don't mean anything, but in my situation, I guess that I have to just cling to the smallest shreds of hope. See, today, he sort of brushed up against me in the hall. There was a whole big hall for him to walk in, but he's right up against me. Does that mean something? Probably not. But it was the highlight of my day, he's so perfect and he felt so right that close to me... I'm pathetic. Really. He probably didn't even think about it at all, it was just some stupid thing. But I love him more every day, it's weird. Every time he does something like that without thinking about it, it attracts me even more. And then I come home and obsess over it. Now I know how Kasumi must've felt. Poor girl. I should do something nice for her some day, sort of as an apology for what she went through. I hate this.
School's almost out. I think it's weird, I went through this whole term being in love with my best friend. Well, a good portion of the term anyway. Next year we'll be graduating. I'm getting used to this, walking around through the hall with Satoshi and trying not to think about how much I want to grab him and passionately kiss him. I wonder what he'd do if I tried something like that. In private, though, not in the school hall. Would he shove me away and call me a freak? I doubt that. Would he just say he wasn't interested or tell me he was straight, not gay? Probably. But there's always that slight little possibility... that he might tell me that he feels the same, or that he thought it felt good. I'm not really willing to take the chance, because I know that no matter what I do, our relationship's going to change -- for the better, or worse, I don't know, but I think it's too risky. There are so many different ways it could go wrong, and only a couple of ways I can think of that it would turn out OK or even good. I want to be with him, not just sex, but actually in a romantic way, too. I mean, we're only 17, we've got our whole lives to consider that "next step" -- just because I'm dreaming about it doesn't mean we should just go hop in the sack. I want to actually try kissing him, maybe just holding him for a while... Then we can see what happens after that. But I don't know if he'd give me the chance. My world would fall apart if he rejected me. I need to go to school, maybe I'll take this thing with me...
You dropped your journal when you were emptying stuff from your locker, and I found it. Well, I guess you know that because I wrote in it, right? Sorry I wrote in it, and I'm sorry I'm just going to stick this in your mailbox because I have some stuff to do today. I kinda read it too, sorry, I just couldn't help myself. But there's some stuff in here I want to talk to you about.
My life is over.
I'm never going to be able to speak to Satoshi again, seriously. I still haven't erased that message in here from him, I keep reading it, but there's no clues about what he's thinking. I can't believe he read this journal! And all the stuff I wrote about him... I keep coming to school late now, sitting as far away from him as I can and not looking at him at all. He called my house, and I told Nanami to say I wasn't home. I lock myself in my room with the stereo on full volume if he comes over to see me. I don't want to hear what he has to say. I don't want to talk to him. I hate reality. So many things could go wrong. I'd rather keep that sweet little fantasy where he says he's in love with me too and then everything turns out perfectly and we spend forever together. Hiroshi and Kasumi keep trying to corner me, probably because Satoshi told them to -- but I don't want to talk to them, either. I get notes in class from him, and I've kept every single one of them. They all say the same sort of thing. 'I need to talk to you' or 'Can you meet me today?' or even simple ones that just say 'CALL ME' in capital letters and underlined five times. I just ignore them. He's not getting the chance to tell me that he's very flattered but just not interested. That's probably what he'll say. But I don't want his pity, damn it! I don't want him to look at me in sympathy because I'm so fucked up it's not even funny. I hate it when people think I'm weak! I mean, it's obvious that I am, or this wouldn't be a problem, but I don't want him to think I'm less than I was. And I know that he must by now. Damn, Hiroshi just stopped by, I need to lock my door and put on the really loud music again...
Today's the last day of school, thank god. Now I don't have any place where I might accidentally run into Satoshi. It was close yesterday, because he stopped by right after school, when he knows that I'm always downstairs getting a snack. Nanami let him in, of course, and that's the first time he's come really close to cornering me. So I dropped everything and ran upstairs, ignoring the fact that he kept shouting at me to wait and listen to him, god damn it. I can run faster than Satoshi, though, especially in my own house. I was locked in my room before he even made it upstairs after me. I could hear him pounding on my door, but the music was up too loud to hear what he was saying. I don't want to know what he thinks. I'm just terrified, that's all. I'm being really cowardly, and I don't give a fuck. Can't I be allowed to keep those dreams? He's going to shatter them with whatever it is he wants to say to me, so why should I listen? I can at least harbor my delusions in peace, can't I? Besides, I'm such a horrible friend to have feelings like that for him. He's better off without me.
All right, this time you didn't LOSE your journal, Shigeru, I had your sister steal it for me! I'm sick and tired of putting up with your bullshit, OK? You think this isn't hard on me too? I want to talk to you, god damn it! Why don't you just quit wallowing in self- pity and call me up already! Eventually, you're going to actually want to know for sure anyway, aren't you? You can't hide from me forever. I want my friend back -- I don't think you really want to know what kind of crazy schemes I can dream up, either.
I've actually been thinking about calling Satoshi. It's four o'clock in the morning, and I'm thinking about calling Satoshi. I can't sleep. This feels horrible -- I mean, he IS my best friend, and I guess I owe it to him to hear what he has to say. After all, I've been nothing but a first-class jerk, so he deserves at least a little civility from me. I need to hear him out. If it shatters my heart, fine. I deserve it. I've been so selfish all along, wanting to hold on to dreams when I shouldn't be allowed to have even that, after what I've done to my best friend. Besides, he might say something good. There's always that miniscule chance that he might return my feelings, and I think I'll cling to that hope until he smashes my heart to pieces when I call him. I need maybe a couple more hours. Maybe just one, or two... I'll dream about Satoshi passionately declaring that he loves me too and that we'll be together forever. I can't really see him 'passionately' doing anything. Well, except in the physical sense... I need to pretend to sleep for a while longer.
And maybe, just maybe, tomorrow I'll live out some of those dreams...